Let’s Talk

These past few days it has been extremely hot in the Netherlands. There are hardly any places with airconditioning here so every action taken has been well thought out if it is worth it. With closed doors and windows trying to get your legs from sticking together, it is hard to imagine that you’ll want to wrap yourself in a bunch of blankets with a steaming hot cup of tea ever again. To me, this is what it feels like to be depressed. Rationally you know it is possible to feel better some time in the future, but as of right now it feels like it’s going to be like this forever. I can check my phone to see when the weather will get better. Unfortunately, such an app has yet to be developed for depression.

Although nothing in my last post was lied or sugarcoated, it also didn’t feel like it fully covered everything. More specifically, I left out quite a bit about suicidality. I understand that this may provoke all kinds of emotions, fears, and for some people memories, but it is one of the biggest tell tales of depression.
It is important that throughout this post you keep in mind that there is a difference between having suicidal thoughts and having actual suicide plans.

There are lots of different kinds of suicidal thoughts. Listed below are a couple that I believe are very distinctive from one another. Some of these do in fact apply to me. Disclaimer: these are the most prominent ones in my opinion, I have not copied this from a scientific source whatsoever and I strongly believe that none of these should be taken lightly.

• Passively suicidal: this is when someone wouldn’t necessarily commit suicide but also doesn’t really want to live. Not looking both ways before crossing, not going to the doctor’s to get something checked out, smoking or other forms of substance abuse, all in hopes of dying but without ‘the hustle.’
• To escape problems: I think it’s a wide spread misconception that people everyone who wants to die, is actually having problems (such as debts, relational problems, etc) they don’t want to deal with. Although this is true for some people, it doesn’t apply to everyone.
• Scared of the future: what if things never get any better? Or what if they get even worse and this is as good as it gets?
• Nothing really matters: I believe this mostly speaks for itself
• Actively suicidal: in my opinion this is the one that should raise the most concern. This is when someone is actively making plans to commit suicide. They’ve made plans about the when, the where, the how.

I can imagine that most people by now are wondering: how do I know which one(s) of those someone is struggling with? Which brings me back to the reason I decided to write this in the first place. Talk about it. I understand it can be extremely difficult to start a conversation about this. But not talking about it is not going to make the problem go away. On the contrary even. In most cases people who are actively suicidal tend not to talk about it at all. Suicide is not a dirty word and not being able to talk about it mostly makes people feel lonely, abandoned and/or misunderstood.

For someone who isn’t struggling with depression on a daily basis, I know that it can be hard to understand what it’s like to want to die. Organisms are meant to survive and reproduce. Everything in us should be trying to keep us alive and well. However, science has proven that our bodies sometimes in fact does the opposite. Think of autoimmune diseases for instance. For me, there’s not a lot of days that go by without thinking about my death. I know that reading this, people might be shocked and will want to convince me that life is worth living. “Suicide is never the answer.” “But you got so much to live for!” “Things will get better.” Although I do understand where they are coming from and I rationally speaking know that they’re probably right, emotionally it’s entirely different. So then what? There’s therapy, there’s medication, but when have you tried everything? I think most will agree that having to try new treatments until the age of 80 sounds quite ridiculous, but where’s the line? When is it socially acceptable to say: you know what, I’ve really tried my best. Is it after 5 years of treatment? Is it after 15? To me, the thought of suicide is a comforting one. All the treatment I do, is because of my own free choice. So if I find myself at the point where it doesn’t work and I feel I’ve reached my line, there might be nothing left but suicide. If someone were to take that option away from me, then treatment wouldn’t be my own choice anymore.

Of course I realise this is a very thin line. There’s a difference between wanting to die as a symptom of depression and wanting to die as a way of establishing boundaries on how far I am willing to go.

So how far am I willing to go? To be honest, I’m not sure yet. On good days I can see some options that could actually help me, even if it’s only a little. There’s still some different kinds of medications I haven’t tried. I could possibly get a assistance dog (www.bultersmekke.nl). I could try another (non-anthroposophical!) kind of inpatient care. There is an abundance of different kinds of alternative therapy, although I have to have a really good day to actually consider those. But those are also the days I like to make plans for the future. Those are the days that I want to  want to live.
But then there are also (right now maybe even more) bad days. The days where it feels like I should’ve given up yesterday. The days where I cancel the plans I might have made the day before. The days where I couldn’t care less about whatever kind of treatment. On those days I am most definitely not willing to go any further. I’ve learnt that not only (relatively) good days pass, but also the worst ones. (As I read somewhere online: if it’s impossible to ‘have a good day,’ that’s alright. In that case, just ‘have a day.’). Those days remind me of the difference between depression and setting my boundaries. They remind me that wanting to die as a symptom of depression will (for a part) move to the background until the next bad day. So I’ll do whatever it takes to not give in to that feeling, because I do really believe that those thoughts are caused by my Big Black Dog. In my case ‘whatever it takes’ can have many forms. It may be not wanting to eat, it may be eating too much, it may be self-harming, it may be not getting out of my bed, it may be overexercising, it may be spending money on things I don’t need, it may be pushing everyone a way, it may be desperately clinging to the people around me. One thing might be a worse coping mechanism than another, but all of these mentioned above are a price I’m willing to pay. So with my ‘good’ days and these bad days, I try to balance it out. I’m not going to lie, it is difficult, but I don’t want to feel ashamed about it.

Having said this all of this, if you have concerns about a loved one, friend or acquaintance, or you struggle with some of these things yourself: there’s always someone willing to listen to your story and/or give you advice.
The Netherlands Suicide Prevention: www.113.nl – tel. 0900 0113